DISROBING HER DEMONS

CHAPTER ONE:

       Two pubescent blondes watch the bonfire in horror as their favorite belongings go up in flames.

       "Let this be a lesson for everyone tonight." Their father announced to all the children. His anger and volume grew as he went on with the lecture. "Keep your rooms in tip top shape and this won’t have to happen." He began to pace their backyard shouting, "Do you think I like doing this?! Do any of you think I want to burn these precious toys and clothes that I spent money on?!" The air was filled with fear. No one knew how to answer his questions. Each child shook like a leaf in the below freezing temperatures as the sun began to set. Their father stepped toward his oldest child Kate. She was twelve and shared a room with her step sister. It was their belongings that were destroyed tonight. As his face leaned in towards hers, he exhaled a fog of stench on her consisting of alcohol and cigarette smoke. A single tear rolled down Kate's face as her focus remained on the fire. His large body swayed back and forth before his giant fingers gripped Kate's shoulder for balance and he whispered into her ear. Her saturated eyelids slowly widened allowing the fire to reflect off her glassy eyes and she listened to his hushed words. "This is just the beginning Princess."

       Kate closed her eyes and felt the tears pour down her face. A woman's soft voice was whispering to Kate. Letting her know it was okay now. Catching her breathe, Kate glanced around her therapist's office where she sat in fear. Clinging onto those comforting words, 'It's okay now'. As nice as it was to hear, it didn't make the crying stop. It didn't stop the helpless feeling that her father scorched into her soul over a decade ago. Kate forced herself to gain composure for soon her session would be over and she would have to walk out into that waiting room with cry face. The same waiting room where other emotionally broken people would sit and glare if they suspected Kate's session cut into their own therapy time. Each person watched that doctor's door swing open with hope that it was their turn yet all they were given was Kate's wet rat appearance. The sessions themselves were worth coming back to. Kate's therapist watched her patient struggle many times with discussions from her childhood. Just speaking about it meant digging up past dirt that Kate had buried for years and feeling the raw emotion that came with the dirt. What else was there to do but feel the emotional torture and relive the horror over and over until it was able to be discussed without tears and fears. Kate didn't know it yet, but her therapist was molding her into a stronger person. Into a survivor who could look her fears in the eye and laugh. Soon there would be no more nightmares holding her back from functioning successfully in society. Unfortunately, that help wasn't soon enough for Kate.

       On the drive home from therapy Kate recalled more details from her preteen years. With all the hell she had gone through as a child, it was the preteen years that haunted her the most. Kate's delicate fingers reached for the volume control in her car before blasting some Taylor Swift while her mind raced back to the several months prior to that burning event.

       Kate was apprehensive to even see her father's new home. Not once did she think William and herself would be living it. Traveling north for two hours was inconvenient and downright bothersome for Kate's mother but Kate found the scenic view to be peaceful. With her twelve-year-old baby face leaned up against the backseat window she watched in silence as the beauty of fall continuously passed by. Every tree that passed seemed to be more beautiful than the last. Confusing feeling flooded her subconscious as their family car made its way further up that brisk mountain and closer to that law-breaking deviant that she called dad. Sharing the back seat with Kate was her brother who was watching his older sister vigilantly as her eyes passed every tree. William rolled his eyes and snickered at his older sister,

      "Seriously Kate, are you finding yourself in those trees?" Although William was simply poking fun, the moment he said that he began to regret it as Kate began to slowly twist her head

in his direction and narrow her eyes at him. William put his hands up in defense,

     "Easy Kate, holy crap I'm saying we could be playing punch buggy or something that's actually fun." It was then that she matched his eye roll and snapped back,

       "Pft, you wouldn't know fun if it bit you in the..." before Kate could finish her sentence a stern voice from the front seat chimed in.

       "Finish that sentence Kate, and watch what happens!" Their mother threatened as her eyes watched them from the rear-view mirror. Kate threw her hands up in the air grumbled under her breath,

       "And therefore I just keep to myself and look out the window." Kate continued gazing into the trees and brought her tone to a friendly level, "To see every tree so different and yet just the same. Some only red, others only orange. All different shades of orange. There are big leaves and little leaves, there are fat tree trunks and skinny tree trunks. When we travel past them at this speed it's vibrant, stimulating, it's breath taking really. Kate's brother placed his headphones on his head and laughed,

       "You know what else is stimulating? Gameboy." They rode in silence until the main highway turned to bumpy backroads. All the pot holes made the ride in their car feel like a bouncy house experience. Suddenly Kate's tummy tightened up with knots. Unsure if the queasy feeling was a reaction from the persistent bumps on the old dirt road rattling her belly, or perhaps a sudden feel of doom as they approached her father's home. Kate and William hadn't seen their father since that monitored visit in the YMCA. Though Kate knew her little brother was to young to understand a lot of what was going on between mom and dad and the reasons for the supervised visits, she still was very cautious of how close William got with their father. As much as her brother got on her nerves, she refused to let him be anyone's victim. Soon that dirt road turned into a narrow rocky pathway leading up a rather steep hill. Surrounded by only trees, Kate could the temperature drop and she became very alert to her surroundings. Just as she began to zone out her mother’s piercing voice brought Kate back to reality.

       "Well we're here!" Their mother almost sounded happy to be seeing her ex-husband and his new wife. Which wouldn't be so awkward if it weren't the same woman he cheated on her with back he was married to Kate's mother. She was a strong woman, and a survivor. The things he had put her through for decades only made her stronger and perhaps that was the reasoning behind her happy tone this day. A fake smile is a sign of strength she always said. They pulled into her father's large circle driveway with flowerbeds all in the center. From the outside, the place looked great. Sure, it was only a little trailer but it was a newer model that sat on several acres of land and the privacy surrounding the place was ample as their neighbors consisted only of trees. Trees all around. There were no mountain views as this was it. This was the top of the mountain. Kate opened her car door to sound of dogs barking however they were nowhere to be seen. A familiar face came down off the porch and rushed over Kate. It was her father. He wrapped her in a hug so tight it almost knocked the wind right out of her. A smile made its way to Kate's face and she patted her dads back with a quiet hello. It was obvious he loved his kids as he rushed over William and squeezed him just as tight. Without hesitation William hugged him back just as hard. They exchanged their hellos and made it clear how much each other had been missed. Kate and William went up on the porch after hugging their mother goodbye and watched as their father discussed drop off arrangements for after the weekend visit. Both children waved goodbye to their mother as her car slowly made its way down the hill into the fog.

       Kate and her brother entered the trailer to be overwhelming greeted by their stepmother, and her very chipper children. They all hugged onto William then Kate welcoming them into their home. Although they were so nice and inviting Kate felt incredibly uncomfortable being hugged and clang onto by these people. Perhaps she was having a difficult time with her parents’ divorce, but for some reason their overly welcoming ways made her undeniably uneasy. Once the greetings were over, Kate's stepmother showed Kate to the room she would be sharing with one of the very chipper children. As Kate made her way down the hallway it seemed to lose the nice appearance that outside displayed it as. The tiles on the floor were peeling up and loads dirty laundry took up a hefty portion of the hallway that Kate had to maneuver herself around to make it into that little girl's bedroom. The smell of dirty socks lingered around the bedroom door forcing Kate to back herself deep into the bedroom away from the door. Unsure of how her stepmother would react to any complaints, Kate kept her thoughts to herself and bragged about what a beautiful home they had. Meanwhile on the other end of the trailer William was getting acquainted with his stepbrother and his room which was more like closet with bunk beds but hey it worked. After unpacking their clothes into reserved dressers, Kates father called everyone into the kitchen.

      "It's dinner time everyone, Kate and William: you must be starved." Her father was in a rather chipper mood. So, Kate went along with it.

      "Oh, yeah it was such a long drive, I know I'm hungry at least." Kate looked over to her brother for his input. William nodded in agreement.

       "Heck yeah, what's for dinner?" William was often outspoken, chipper, and always had something to say. Being a seven-year-old that was to be expected. Their father laughed,

       "Funny you should ask..." Their father placed four bowls of ice cream on the kitchen table. One in front of each child. Every person at the table looked puzzled and didn't touch their bowl.

       "Ice cream for dinner dad?" Kate asked.

       "Yup. Ice cream for dinner for tacos and for dessert!" her father enthusiastically announced. All the children cheered and dug in. All except for Kate. She looked at her father puzzled. He immediately caught on to her confusion,

       "It's okay Kate, eat up. It's going to be a fun weekend and I thought why not start off with dessert fir dinner! After all, you never know what's gonna happen up here on the mountain!" Kate forced a smile upon her pale, soft, face, and nodded as she began to eat her ice cream. Soon everyone's belly was full of taco dessert and the air was filled with light chatter and laughter. Kate smiled and took it all in. Perhaps things would be different this time. If this woman made him happy, then maybe there was hope for a happy father. After dinner, the dogs were let in from their kennels. Big, soft overly excited puppies that jumped up on everyone. Filled with excitement that it was finally time to interact with their humans and being so young made them out to be rambunctious. Kate found joy in their playful manor, she let them jump up on her. Hell, she knelt down and let them lick her face with tails wagging showed they found joy in Kate's loving manor.

       "When did you get them dad?" Kate asked while roughly scratching their bellies. They laid back and loved the attention while her father thought about it. There about 4 months old now, we got them right after birth. Salt and Pepper are their names, they're brother and sister. William came into the room to see what all the fuss was about. He spotted the dogs and smiled hesitantly. Once pepper saw his adorable face, she lunged across the room straight to William and jumped up on his chest with her front paws. William jumped back with a nervous flight response before belting out a loud yelp for his father. Naturally their dad jumped right in to aide his son, but when he went to pull Pepper back he accidently stepped on her tail. Causing her to whimper in pain and try to run away.

       "Sorry Pepper!" Their dad announced as he grabbed her the scruff of her neck. "But William doesn't like yah!" Pepper was dragged against her will and forced into a utility closet for the rest of the night where she whimpered and clawed at the door in attempts to be let out and pet again. Everyone stood silently and motionless as everything happened so fast. No one moved. Not even Salt. The sun set fast and everyone was off to bed. It had been a long eventful day. Hours passed and although Kate's step sister was fast asleep with a snore, Kate couldn't sleep. Her thoughts were raising. How could anyone sleep after what had happened? Sure, William was afraid of dogs or maybe just wasn't prepared to be mauled with licks and kisses. Nether the less, Kate completely disagreed with how her dad handled that situation. With complete unnecessary force, just like he use to with her mother, brother, and Kate herself. A rush of familiar hatred came back as the sky grew darker. Suddenly there was a clatter in the kitchen. Kate's eyes opened wide but she did not move a muscle. Then a clicking sound was to be heard. It was hard to tell what exactly it was that was going on being that Kate's step sister could snore through anything. Footsteps approached Kate's bedroom door, she immediately closed her eyes and played possum. Whoever was checking on the children was clearly making sure they were asleep. But why? Soon the footsteps went back in the opposite direction. Kate started to breathe. It was then that she realized she had been holding her breath. Kate's eye darted at the digital alarm clock. It was 2 a.m. and someone was sneaking through the house. Two can play that game Kate thought to herself as she slowly sneaked toward her door and stood in a shadow. Leaning her ear forward she heard the conversation between her father and stepmother make its way outside as they walked out the back door. Quickly Kate's interest peeked. She tiptoed to the bathroom and slid a step stool up to the window. Kate hopped up there and looked out the window. What she saw made her smile for a moment. It was Pepper. Maybe they were taking her out to pee. Looking closely Kate's father had blood pouring down his arm. The adults were staring at Pepper through her pen while whispering to each other. Kate squinted her eyes and focused on the dog. There was blood only on her chin.

       "Oh God." Kate gasped. "Pepper bit dad." A million thoughts ran through that young lady’s head at that moment. Was her father okay? Was Pepper in time out? The thoughts went on and on. In an instant, they were interrupted as her stepmother was seen nodding and returning to the trailer. Kate ran to the bathroom door and locked it. Then snuck back up on the step stool to peek out of the tiny window that of coarse had to be located up near the ceiling. Kate heard her stepmother’s footsteps make it to the opposite side of the trailer. With an exhale of relief, she glued her full attention to the window. Was her dad going to go for stiches? Did the dog need a rabbi shot? Kate watched as her father opened that kennel and led Pepper over to his shed. The shed he gutted fish in. The shed he hung deer in. The shed that was locked at all times because of the number of tools, weapons, and ammo that it contained. Confusion turned to fear in an instant. Kate didn't know why she was scared but her gut was telling her its time to be afraid. Her hands were gripped onto the towel rack and her breathing was rapid. Her body was shaking and she wanted to call out to her father. Instead she stood there, watching, and waiting. What was really going on here? Kate's father went into the shed with Pepper who was wagging her tail with excitement. Five full minutes of silence went by. They were the longest five minutes of Kate's life. Was her dad fixing the anxious puppy up? Did he even know anything about caring for animal wounds? Or was she even wounded? It seemed clear that Pepper did the biting. But she was treated poorly so maybe she was acting out of instinct? Maybe.... BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Three shots were fired. Kate was only twelve but she knew the distinct sound of a hunter’s gun. Then there was silence. Only silence. Kate's eyes widened the largest they had even been. Her eyes filled with tears but she didn't make a sound. Her hand grip slowly released the towel rack and she stepped down off the stool. Turning around to face her back to what she knew just happened, Kate leaned her back against the cheap plywood. Eyes still large and filling with tears, her knees bent so slowly that there wasn't a single sound as she slid down the wall and landed her bottom on the floor. Kate heard the she door unlock and open, out of fear, anger and instinct she ran to unlock the bathroom door and around the corner was her sleeping step sister. Kate hopped into that bottom bunk and flipped onto her stomach. With her face buried into her pillow she quietly cried herself to sleep.

        Sooner than later the sun came up. Everyone was being called into the kitchen for breakfast. Kate skipped it and took a long hot shower. Afterword her father asked if she could avoid using so much water in the future. With a simple nod, Kate agreed and walked to her room with her towel still intact. Her father seemed puzzled by her weird behavior and began to defend his reasons for leaving Kate's mother. Kate rolled her eyes and walked to her dresser and began picking out her clothes. Her father took a step closer with intent to cheer his only daughter up. Kate immediately pulled back. So, hard in fact that she knocked all the kick knacks off the dresser and onto the floor. Her glare into his eyes spoke what her mouth wasn't able to say. Being the sassy twelve-year-old that she was though, Kate spoke up anyway.

       "I want to go home now." Her father looked genuinely confused.

       "But you just got here" He pleaded. Without another word spoke from either party, Kate continued her stare but raised one eyebrow in response to his words. Billy slowly put his hands up and backed out of the room before closing the door for her privacy. Kate finally was able to exhale and look around at the mess that she had created when her body slammed into that dresser.

       Bags packed and lined up by the door as their mother's car drove up into the large circular driveway. Everyone began hugging Kate and William goodbye and making it know how sad they were the trip was being cut short. As far as anyone was concerned, Kate was simply homesick and missed her mom. As they loaded everything in the car, Kate's father squeezed her for a hug goodbye and Kate did not respond or return the hug at all. She couldn't even look him in the face at that point. Why the hell would she hug him? Both kids now buckled into the backseat, their father leans in to William window and winks at him with a promise,

       "Don't worry bud, next time you come here it will only be Salt. No Pepper for us. If you don't like her then we don't like her." The car slowly pulled away and William smiled and let out a sigh of relief. Kate glared at her brother unable to speak a word. The thoughts that went through her head were enough to send her away to an asylum. Preying that her father would die the same death that he forced upon that innocent dog. Kate leaned her head against the window as she recalled the sweet puppy licking her face. Finding herself wishing she could scratch Pepper's belly one more time. Wondering what her father would do with the body, she found herself scowling. It wasn't anything she even wanted to know. The way he promised her brother that he would never have to see that dog again, it broke Kate's heart. Yet she couldn't cry anymore for she was tapped out and exhausted. The fear of her father was the worst part of the whole experience. Kate knew what he was capable of and it was proven that he hadn't changed his ways. Therefore, when Kate's mother asked what was the matter, Kate had nothing to say. Instead she continued to watch out her window at the trees. They all went by so fast, but not like before. This time they were all a blur. All the colors and shapes blended together as her chest felt tight and her mind numb. Kate's eyes zoned into the yellowish blur outside her window and let the ringing in her ears take over. All the while replaying that one phrase over and over again in her head until she accidently mumbled it out loud,

       "You never know what's gonna happen up here on the mountain."

                                                           CHAPTER TWO:

       Walking through the front door of her mother's home completely numb and emotionless, Kate forced herself upstairs to her bedroom where she dropped her suitcase before collapsing on her comfy queen size bed. Curled up in the fetal position with her hazel eyes clenched closed, Kate clung onto her pillow as if it would hug her back. The distraught preteen could hear the chatter downstairs of her ecstatic little brother telling their mother all about his night with his dad for the first time in a year. Kate rolled over onto her back and gazed up at her eggshell colored ceiling recalling all the reasons the court denied her father visitation in the first place.  All the fighting she watched as a young child came to mind as did the beer bottles breaking against walls when they were meant to hit Kate's mother. Soon her gaze into the white ceiling turned to a white blur as her body froze up and her mind took the wheel. A flash of a room appeared in vision, similar to a television show playing before her very own eyes. Unfortunately, this was a crappy rerun and Kate couldn't turn the channel. So, she lived it out, again. Hiding behind the sofa for so long that the pattern of the flowers was embedded in her memory. The feeling of the soft brown couch comforted her in this moment, for it wasn't regular soft material. Not in the least. The back of this sofa was so soft it could be confused with velvet and not as soft as the front of the couch. Perhaps because no one really used the back of the couch. So how could it get warn out like the front with the cushions does. Kate's short, soft, and porcelain like fingertips traced the designs of the purple flowers as they stood out from the rest of the deep brown velvety couch. Listening to things no seven-year-old child should have to hear but behind that sofa was safer than in front of it as her mommy and daddy were clearly shoving each other into furniture. Teresa's shouting only got louder and her father let out a growl that sent shivers up Kate's little spine. Suddenly a large object began to rise over the couch, once Kate knelt up to see what it was she covered her eyes and crouched back down in fear. Her father was running on rage and Budweiser with pupils so large his eyes were black. It was then he flipped the coffee table upside down and raised it so far in the air that the legs put whole in their ceiling. As if this wasn't enough, he then proceeded to lunge it at Kate's mother. The cowering child heard a thud followed by crying so high pitch it could be heard round the world.

       The front door swung open and Kate's grandmother looked around the room and found her granddaughter who's shaking and crying most likely gave away her hiding spot. Down the hall her hero grandmother marched to grab the baby and left with both children. Kate inhaled her grandmother in when she was wrapped in the first real hug she had in a long time. On the ride, away from hell Kate's grandmother tried talking to her granddaughter asking how she was. All Kate could do was zone out the window. It was as if she didn't hear a thing. Little William woke up from his nap in that car seat with a cry and Kate snapped back to the present moment. Her little hand gently grabbed a hold of his. Her head resting on his seat she continued to zone out. No vision to be seen, no sound to be heard, no pain to be felt. Confused by the sudden piercing tone calling out to her,

       "Kate... Kate... Kate!" But it wasn't Kate's Grammy and Kate wasn't a little scared seven-year-old anymore. She was twelve again glaring at the ceiling, Kate blinked rapidly and jolted up in a startled manor. It was Kate's mother checking in on her daughter.

       "Hi mom." With a calm, drained, and discouraged tone of voice it was clear that Kate wasn't up for conversation. Her mother was not ignorant to this either. She patted her daughter's leg and offered her ear for when Kate is ready to talk. With a kind nod, Kate laid back down and slowly drifted off into a peaceful rest that she had lacked the last few nights. Kate's mother tucked her daughter in, knowing something was off but wasn't pushing the topic. She unpacked Kate's suitcase and stored it in the closet knowing her daughter wouldn't be needing it for a while. The patient mother tiptoed downstairs and as matchbox cars circled the carpet in William's little grip. A few hours passed and their mother called up the stairs for Kate as dinner was ready. Kate sat up in her bed and wiped those tired eyes until her vision was clear. Making her way downstairs she walked through the living room and glanced up at the ceiling where the four holes had yet to be fixed. Her fingers tapped her thigh with irritation and she walked into the kitchen where her mother served 'Gulouge' (a mixture of noodles, sauce, meat and cheese in a large pot).

       "Smells great mom, thank you." Shocked by the compliment, Teresa smiled and thanked her daughter.

       "I know it’s your favorite." her mom said with a relieved exhale as she plopped three large soup spoons worth of the hot concoction on Kate's plate.

       "Wow, a cook and a server. Anything you can’t do?" Kate teased at her mother. Teresa shot her daughter a warning look. You know, that kind of look where you know you're skating on thin ice and you ought to bring it down a notch before that ice cracks. William giggled at the exchange between the ladies in his life. Kate looked over at her brother and a smile lit up her face. She was simply overjoyed that he was in good health. As far as she cared, that was all that mattered.

       After a long dinner and an even longer clean up, Kate headed upstairs for a bath. Her mother never put restrictions on Kate's water usage although that may have been because her water was included in her rent. Neither the less, Kate filled that tub to the rim with steamy hot water with large white fluffy suds that overflowed onto the floor. A gasp of pain escaped her pink, pouty mouth as she immersed herself into that sizzling bathwater. Closing her eyes, she gently made her way in until her shoulders were under the water and all that was to be seen was her face. Her ears just below water level made it uneasy to hear the water splashing onto the floor before her achy muscles were submerged into that bath. Motionless, she laid there completely withdrawn from the room, from her family, from the world. Eyes still closed as her body aches slowly melt

away it seemed like the perfect peaceful moment. How could one bubble bath make everything seem okay? Even if it were for just the time being, everything seemed peaceful and okay. At least they were, until her mind started racing. It was only part of her body that wasn’t completely

at ease and though it seems normal for a case of hectic brain after the weekend she was having, Kate was hoping her mind would get on board with her body.

       Kate stiffened her back in that tub refusing to open her eyes reminding herself that as long as she could keep her brother safe from any physical or emotional harm, she would. This was why she couldn’t tell him the truth about Pepper. This was why she took beatings for him years ago. Kate's memories seemed to take over her mind once again. Suddenly it was as if the she were sitting on that couch as an six year old watching her then one year old brother play with their dad's stack of VHS tapes that he organized so nicely in the entertainment center. William was toddling around on the floor in a diaper as both their parents were sitting at the kitchen table arguing over money for the millionth time. CRASH... there was a loud thud as the VHS tapes hit the floor and William jumped back startled from the sound alone. It was then that he saw his large muscular father walk into the room with authority that William jumped up onto the couch. Charles slowly strutted his way to William with purpose. Kate sat beside William and looked around her father as she was trying to watch the movie on the television set. Charles made it clear that he knew it was William that messed with his VHS tapes and without a word after that, their father undid his belt while both children looked up at him confused. With a single yank of the buckle his belt came off. Once the long, brown, and leather belt was folded up in his hand Charles began swinging it at his one year old son. Not aiming for any body part, just hitting him with this object that was once only used for holding up pants. Once, striking William's leg. Twice, striking William's arm. A third strike aiming for his face was interrupted with a loud screech and a swift kick to Charles's knee. Both interruptions were from Kate.

       "No daddy, no!" Kate screamed with all her might. "It was me that did it!" Trying with all her force to shove her father away from the couch and throwing her body in between both her brother and her father. Maybe the bravest move, maybe the dumbest move. Her eyes locked with her father's cold black emotionless stare. He tilted his head to the side in a way that could only mean 'Are you kidding me right now?'. Kate's whole body was shaking like a leaf without feeling cold. Her heart was pumping hard, loud, and fast. Anything she thought was interrupted with her brother's heart wrenching screams of pain. Kate swallowed hard, stood a little straighter, and narrowed her glare into her father's eyes.

       "I messed with your tapes. Do you hear me? It was me! Leave William alone." Kate wasn’t sure what she was getting herself into with those words, but in the moment, all she wanted was to help her brother. To protect him. For a moment, it worked as Kate's ponytail was snatched up by her father's grasp and he used it as a leash to lead her to the bathroom as if he were walking a dog. When they approached the room her dear old dad gave Kate a switch shove into the bathroom where she landed on the floor. Kneeling up in survival mode but staying low enough to show him he was the boss, Kate backed herself into a corner where she was repeatedly struck with her father's belt. It wasn't until the beating was over that Kate noticed she had been covering her eyes the entire time. When the lashing ended, Kate uncovered one eye to peek around the room. Charles was nowhere to be seen.

She fell down and brought her screeching for help down to a mild cry until she had nothing left to give. Slowly and unsteadily Kate eventually stood up and held onto the walls leading her damaged self to her room. Scanning the rooms for any sign of danger she didn’t even see her father. Kate did however see her little brother shaking as toddled up to her. Kate put her arm around William and gently patted his back.

       "Don’t worry dude, I'm okay. Go play with your Legos." The little toddler rubbed his sore arm and listened to his sister making his way to the Lego pile. Kate started up the stairs looking into the kitchen to see what her mom had to say about any of this, but she was no longer sitting at that table. With a disappointed shake of the head, Kate made her way up to bed and

just laid there refusing to use any mirror. She wasn’t ready to see if the way she looked matched the way she felt. Things went south from there, soon there were beatings from any random object their father could find. Most of the time the beatings were over little things like not tying a shoe the specific way, or forgetting to put the tooth paste cap back on. Just as Kate's mind started taking a trip down memory lane about the time her father grabbed her by the throat and slammed her face into her own wooden bunkbed, a sudden SLAM brought her back to reality. Kate's eyes opened in that bath water and she sat up with such a startled force that water drenched the bathroom floor. Her eyes glared over at the door that had been swung open with force. There William stood in the doorway with a startled look on his face.

        "Sorry I just had to use the bathroom." He apologized. Kate nodded and with a gentle tone she responded,

       "It's alright, just give me five minutes and I'll be out of here." William nodded and closed the door. It was then that Kate knew she needed some sort of help. None of her twelve-year-old friends were seeing vivid visions from their younger years. Why was she? It irked her and she knew it was time to start herself off on a mission.

       Fall slowly turned into winter and the children started to go stir crazy in their mother's home. They loved their mother to the moon and back but day after day and week after week began to wear them both down. Winter break was just around the corner, and Kate wasn't sure if she could handle a whole week with her over bearing mother questioning her every move. Kate began kicking around the idea of spending spring break with her father. Even though he put down that dog himself, he didn't do it front of the children and maybe he was just trying to protect them from the ugly truth that adults have to deal with. Kate tried to dignify what he did in her mind, making excuses for him in hopes of relieving some resentment that she had towards her father. Teresa walked into Kate's room and blurted out what had been on her mind.

       "Winter break is coming up, and your brother was asking to go stay with your father. If you don't want to go with him, I understand..." Teresa was interrupted by Kate's eagerness.

       "No, I think I want to go." The words that came out didn't match the tone they were spoke with. Kate seemed ashamed that she wanted to visit her father. Teresa heard the tone in her voice and assumed it was for a different reason.

       "Kate, if you're worried about me or what I think..... don't. I may not get along with your father but he still loves you kids. It's perfectly okay if you want to go. I'll be fine here by myself. Heck I'll even enjoy the silence." Teresa began to joke with her daughter in hopes of lightening the tension in the room that was already so thick, it could easily be cut with a knife. Kate smiled and giggled under her breath. With tears in her eyes, Kate nodded and stood up to offer her mother a hug. As Teresa leaned in to return the hug, Kate kept the actual reason for her unsureness to herself and just took the moment for what it was.

       Packing began, a lot of sanitizer was loaded into Kate's suitcase as she remembered her father's disapproval of daily showers. Or ones that lasted longer than ten minutes for that matter. After she loaded her clothes, deodorant, nail polish, and body sprays into her suitcase it was closed with an exhale of preparation. Kate felt she was officially, mentally, and physically prepared to handle a week with her father. A stroll across the hall brought her to her little brother's room where he was packing in a very different style. His toy story figures and matchbox cars took up more space than his clothes. Kate smiled warmly from his doorway,

       "You excited to see dad?" Her words startled him and he spun around to see where his sister was standing. A large smile stretched across his pale round face.

       "Yeah I can’t wait! His yard is so big, and he's got bikes there to ride. Do you think he got rid of Pepper yet? She definitely didn't like me and I definitely didn't like her!" William's excitement turned to fear at the very thought of that large rambunctious puppy. Kate's smiling lips turned to a pursed position and her eyes began to narrow at all things she wanted to say. Instead she offered him some insight that should've been offered by their father months ago.

       "William, puppies are excited all the time. They're full of energy all the time. It's kind of like you compared to me. You love to run around and ride bikes, and hop into dad's arms. You also ramble ALOT. Because you're young and full of energy. But when you get older like me, you'll walk through stores instead of run, you'll ride bikes without rambling at the same time, and when you hug dad it'll be calm and more of a pat on the back then a squeeze." Williams eyes grew with anticipation as he waited for her to make her point. "When you saw Pepper, she just trying to hop into your arms for a tight squeeze." William's eyes slowly fell to the floor as the information sunk in like a sponge absorbing water. With a quick rebuttal, he looked back up Kate,

       "Yeah but I just don't like dogs jumping up on me." William demanded. Kate smiled and knelt down to his level,

       "I don't blame you, sometimes their dirty paws hurt when their excited. Plus the closer they are to your face, the easier it is for you smell their doggy breath." William made eye contact with his big sister as she seemed to understand his point. Kate raised her eyebrows and continued, "But you're missing the point of my speech here, Pepper wasn't going to be a puppy forever. She would grow up in no time and slow her role down. Before you know it she wouldn't even have the urge to jump on people. All it takes is a little training and a little aging." William took a deep breath and stood up,

       "I guess you're right, dogs aren't all that different from people. Well I guess we will have to wait and see if dad kept that dog." As William held on to hope, Kate smiled and headed downstairs to let her mother know they were just about set to go. She wasn't going to tell anyone the harsh truth, not just out of fear from the consequences either. There was a principle behind this and Kate wanted to see which lie her father would come up this time when only one dog would be at his house this winter break. The children loaded their bags into the trunk of their mother's car and drove off into the sunset and before they knew it the car was pulling up that rough gravel driveway leading to Kate and William's father. There he stood with a large grin on his excited face. Charles always seemed happiest when he knew his children were coming for a visit. His new wife picked up on this and tried to reach that level of joy every chance she got. The only difference was his happiness was sincere and pure. Hers was merely a performance. The snow surrounded that trailer like a cold scene you'd find somewhere in Siberia. Interestingly enough Charles had a medium sized Husky at his side as he watched their car pull up. William was so impressed by the amount of snow that had fallen that far up north. He went on and on about how much fun he would have building snow forts and snowmen. Kate smiled out the window as if she were agreeing. A part of her was but most of her being was panicked. If there was this much snow, how would anyone get out in case of emergency?

       After meet and greets and hard goodbyes Kate made her way to her temporary room. The bunk beds seemed nicer this time around. Was this a plea for his daughter's forgiveness? Did he know she knew? Kate's mind raced through every possible thought as to why there were new bunks in that room. Never once entertaining the idea that they may simply just be an upgrade. Her stepmother was right there informing Kate which drawers to use and how happy she was to have her stepchildren staying for a while. Though it was clear Bertha's joy was an overly dramatic phony act, Kate met her stepmother's level. A smile for every smile, a high pitch hello for every high pitch hello, and an eye bat for every eye bat. Unsure if this was a test or how Bertha generally behaved, Kate played nice just as well. They walked out to the living room where the dogs were to be called in. Everyone gathered and waited. Except only one dog came in the house that night. Confused, William asked his father where Pepper was. This was when Charles broke the news to his children. Pepper was given away as he couldn't afford both animals. Kate's eyes lowered and slowly made their way to her little her brother who was looking down at the floor nervously. It was clear that little boy was feeling one emotion in that moment. Guilt.

       Bertha broke the awkward silence with a big surprise as she pulled a large old fashioned television into the living room. Charles smiled and helped her out. To Kate this was silly as it was just a T.V. but when she noticed the expression on her stepsiblings faces, she knew it was so much more. It was something that these kids hadn't seen in a real long time. That night everyone gathered around the old television set and watched a film called "Stepmom". It wasn't a child's first choice but it was better than most of the Horror movies that were up for grabs. As the adults sat on the couch, four children including Kate laid on their bellies on the floor watching the big screen. Popcorn was served and the night ended quickly and it wasn't to bad considering the anxiety Kate was holding onto.

      A few days in and winter break was feeling like it would never end. Not many nights went by before that little trailer of six people sent Kate's claustrophobia into full effect. A master plan was in the making for some solitude and she knew just the one. A smile creeped across Kate's face as she claimed the bathroom for an evening bat. With an exhale of relief, she knew this meant privacy. A feeling of personal space that she hadn't felt in some time. A little break from constant sound and commotion was all she craved in hopes of a little piece of mind. Kate relaxed her shoulders into the warm suds and stared down at her toes, wiggling them one at a time. Her hands lay on her belly as her neck flexed back with closed eyes her smile soon turned to a crooked frown. It was happening again. Before Kate knew it the bathroom had transitioned into a familiar bedroom. Her legs were short and dangling off the side of a huge bed. The floor had a green carpet pattern with little red diamonds all over. Kate was rushed back in time with a flashback which left her small and frightened sitting half undressed on her father's bed. Unfortunately, her father was nowhere to be found. For whatever reason this day it was his friend that was alone with Kate in her own dad's bedroom. She could smell his leather coat although that's all he wore. With a constant stutter this tall man blurted out commands to Kate. One after another. Mostly sexual touching and rubbing. Which didn't leave Kate injured on the outside. But left a scar on the inside. Soon they made their way to the couch and watched movies until Kate's mom showed up.  Teresa was surprised to see Charles's friend instead of Kate's father himself. But she thanked him for babysitting and even handed him some cash. The tall, lean stuttering man thanked Kate's mother with a smile before turning to Kate and thanking her for a fun afternoon. Kate watched him very carefully and waved goodbye.

       SPLASH. Her eyes widened beyond belief and her heart was pounding. Although oxygen was getting in, Kate was convinced she couldn't breathe. She started slamming her hands on the bathtub in between loud cries for air. All of Kate's racket caught the attention of her step sister who was eagerly knocking and shouting if everything was okay. That sound was all Kate had to hold on to for a distraction from her own mind. Panting with tears streaming down her face, Kate was able to yell back how everything was fine. Continuing to catch her breath, Kate rolled her saturated eyes angrily with thoughts of nosey people in this place. However, without that distraction lord only knows how long it would've took for her to snap back to reality. These flashbacks were only getting worse. Thoughts and memories that had been put on the back burner of her mind for years and were put there for good reason. Kate worked hard to force herself to forget those memories for all these years. It seemed that was the very reason that these memories were coming back to haunt her. Over time that man stopped coming over for visits. Just as he stopped coming over Kate found herself battling conflicting feelings about the entire event. Images from that day played over and over again in naïve her mind for weeks. These raw emotions and memories took over her being as her bathwater turned cold.

       About a month after the molesting incident, Kate remembered Charles and Teresa would constantly fight in front of their children. Quarrels over money, bills, secret lovers, the list went on and on. Unfortunately for Kate and William their parents fight was on... and the gloves... were off. Day after day of being ignored by her parents began to upset Kate causing her to naturally distance herself from everyone. Each night Kate would keep to herself in her room and play with her Barbie dolls acting out scenarios similar to what her dad's friend taught her. Yet these problems continued to be ignored by the people that should have been paying attention. Kate remembered him as kind and gentle. He always craved playtime with Kate. Confusingly enough she began to crave it right back. Time went by and soon the little seven-year-old turned eight. Shortly thereafter, Kate's dad came home late one night in a rather joyful mood. He was cheerful and hugging onto Kate and his little three-year-old. For some reason, Kate's mother seemed bothered by his tardiness. The more she fussed about it though, the more Charles ignored her and played with the children. Simple rough housing on the floor made his children the happiest they'd been in a while.  Their mother tossed her hands up in defeat and went in another room. Kate was laughing and William was crawling all around their dad as he blew raspberries on their tummies. Charles was resting on his stomach for a moment when Kate thoughtlessly mounted his back and began riding him like a pony. In a split-second Charles hollered at his daughter. Asking her where she had learned do that. Demanding an answer. Kate jumped off him and slowly backed away without saying a word. His anger grew and even William toddled off down the hallway. Kate's heart beat loud in her chest and she ran to her room in tears. She could hear her parents discussing the matter. Kate grabbed her pillow and slowly sat down crying into it. Why didn't her dad want her like his friend did? Kate laid down and continued muffling her cries. She waited for someone to come in and explain things to her. To let her know she was wanted, even if it was in completely different way. Instead her father's scowl of disgust was imprinted on her mind. So, there she lay, shivering all alone, distraught, and unwanted.

       Kate pulled herself out of that water with what energy she had left. Her mind began to discipline itself. Enough! That's enough recollections for one night.

                                                             CHAPTER THREE:

       A cozy chair in a Pennsylvania mental health office seated twenty-five-year-old Kate. Tears began to trickle down her face as she recalled her childhood. Kate wasn’t believing the therapist who was reassuring her that everything was going to be okay. There were so many secrets she wished she could share with this friendly and outgoing professional. How could she though? The last therapist that Kate opened up to made the mistake of letting her body language judge the secrets that poured from Kate’s heart. As Kate recalled how she felt when she was judged by a previous therapist and the way it burnt a whole in her soul, she immediately began building up those walls that people with post-traumatic stress disorder occasionally build. Kate’s newest therapist sensed some withdrawal from her patient and became stumped with growing curiosity. This didn’t stop Sarah from attempting to help Kate break down those walls. She was a dedicated therapist who reminded Kate several times that she wasn’t going anywhere. That this was a safe place and anything spoken between them was for them only. Hearing Sarah out did fill Kate will a sense of comfort and hope to know that someone would be there for her even if they heard her deep dark secrets. Haunting things from her past that had the power to keep any induvial up at night.

       Sarah asked Kate to take a deep breath and prepare herself emotionally before speaking if needed. With a long deep inhale, Kate froze. Before exhaling her voice squeaked out a sentence. 

       “He was so intimidating. Some people saw his behavior at parties and would say he is crazy. They were the lucky ones. After those parties those family members and friends didn’t have to go home with him. I did.” Kate still wasn’t ready to fully exhale her pent up frustrations. Sarah took a sip from of her tea and placed the mug down with a brave request.

       “Why don’t you tell me what it was like when you had to go home with him.” As that therapist waited for an answer Kate belted out a cry of an exhale that she had been holding in for some time. A certain memory came to mind causing Kate to lose control of her emotions. The tears poured down vigorously. Kate’s pale arm covered in scars reached out for her file that sat upon Sarah’s desk and threw it at the closed door. With a growl she declared,

       “I told you I can’t do this!” Sarah leaned back in a calm state twirling in her chair. It was as if she was glad to see this side of Kate. Sarah pushed it a little further.

       “Anger comes from fear Kate.” Leaning forward onto her desk allowing her long silver necklace to brush across the keyboard. Sarah continued “So tell me, what is it you’re afraid of.”  Looking up from the pile of papers on the floor, Kate began.

       “I was at my cousin’s house for a family party. My father was there to. He wasn’t allowed to bring us back to his house during the custody battle. It was before the courts allowed weekend visits. The party only grew louder as the night went on so my thirteen-year-old cousin and I went inside to play video games and escape the intoxicated elderly that were dancing to deafening country music. Finally, being a teenager meant I could go inside if I wanted to. No permission needed from daddy. Amy showed me the way to her bedroom. Her bed pulled out as a bunkbed and we relaxed playing Mario Cart. Oddly enough she was on a phone call the whole time. I had no idea who she was talking to, I was just glad to be having some down time with my cousin. After a while Amy had to pee and she asked me to hold her phone for her until she got back. I wasn’t sure about doing this as I didn’t even know the person on the other side of that call. Eventually I agreed.” Tears poured down Kate’s face as she took a breath to redeem herself and apologized for the constant crying. Vocally indicating that if she could get anything out of therapy it would be to carry on in life less emotionally. To go through just one day without crying. Hearing this bothered Sarah. She leaned into Kate’s personal space and reassured her,

       “You don’t ever have to apologize for crying. Not to me, not to anyone. It’s a natural human function.” Kate stared down at the floor refusing to believe her words. Sarah didn’t stop there. “Why do you wish to cry less? It’s a natural way of healing.” Kate’s bloodshot eyes slowly made their way up to Sarah’s.  Kate’s monotone response left Sarah speechless.

       “It’s hard to change that feeling. I was trained not to cry for years. It was a sign of a weakness and if my father heard us cry he would pull that belt out and give us something to cry about. The bastard didn’t believe we had any right to cry. Not ever. We didn’t have to watch our mother die like he did, we never went through custody battles like he did. We had no right to cry. All these years of holding my tears in are finally catching up with me I guess.” There was a thick silence in the room before Kate continued, “I held the phone for Amy that day. I made small talk with some boy on that cordless phone. We talked about my cousin and video games. We laughed about how long it took her in the bathroom. Then the door swung open. Amy wasn’t the one in the doorway. It was my father swaying left to right with a smirk that sent my stomach into knots. He asked me who I was talking to. I told him the truth. I didn’t know. One of Amy’s friends. My father stumbled around and came closer demanding to talk to the boy. I was hesitant and asked why. Soon the phone was yanked from my hand and I was shoved down onto the bed. The boy on the other end of the phone could hear all of this. Lord only knows what he was thinking.” Mascara and tears poured from Kate’s face as Sarah watched motionless waiting for what was to come. “He asked the teenage boy if he was white or black. The boy laughed and asked if this was a joke. Except my father didn’t find humor in the situation and his eyes grew large and black. I was on the bed afraid and embarrassed. My father then pulled the phone away from his ear and placed it right up to his mouth before screaming into it that he wasn’t going to let his daughter be a Niger lover like her mother. The phone was then thrown and I was pulled out of that house against my will. The whole time I was crying that I didn’t do anything wrong. I kicked and screamed. Beneath my fingernails had splinters from where I tried to grab ahold the walls because I feared leaving with him. I was caught in his grip and pulled across the gravel driveway while many family members yelled at him not to do this. But not one attempted to help free me from his strong grip. Instead they watched my knees bleed as the stones tore open my flesh. Their attempts to reason with him were brave. But it just wasn’t enough. He was far to intoxicated to comprehend the common sense of the situation. Being dragged across the gravel in front of all those people knowing that no one could help made me realize I wasn’t going to be saved. I felt helpless and that feeling is how true fear is created. I cried all the way to his house and he didn’t speak a word to me. When we finally reached his trailer, my stepmother distracted all the other children to the other half of the trailer. She figured this wasn’t their fight. In the commotion, I thought here is my chance to run! I ran through the trailer finding myself cornered in the bathroom smaller then a closet. When that door swung open I let out a blood curdling cry. My father showed me his belt causing me to stand up straight and shut my mouth. His words continued to sink into my mind as my eyes followed his leather strap. That was when I learned my rights in this world and the lack of rights I had. One of which consisting of crying. That wasn’t allowed as I didn’t know true pain like he did.” Kate’s therapist shifted in her seat and raised an eyebrow asking what happened next. The answer was simple. “I never let him see me cry again.” In hopes of ending the session on a good note, Sarah lowered her head to Kate forcing eye contact.

       “When you blame yourself for crying while you’re crying, it actually does more damage than just crying. I want you to try going the next week feeling like it’s okay to cry. Take some time to yourself if you must just to literally go cry. Here’s the hard part, don’t let yourself feel ashamed. Take the tears for what they are and do not judge yourself. Tell yourself you are allowed to cry.” Kate rose her head and nodded in agreement although the thought of it alone caused her to shudder. Underneath it all, Kate knew it was good advice as it was time to move forward and be brave again. She had two children at home who were happy and healthy that were counting on their mom to be stable. Even if they didn’t know that they needed this, Kate knew what they needed and it drove her to take control of her emotions and emotional health. It was time to let the past remain where it belonged. In the past.

       Kate drove home from therapy that day letting her emotions fall free. Crying loudly while the radio blared with a satisfied smile on her face. Finally, no longer under the emotional wrath of her father. Kate had been given permission to cry and it felt so damn good. Defying her drunk abusive father in the process was simply the icing on the cake. Kate’s wandering mind seemed to take this feeling of ecstasy to another level. Suddenly the need to rebel against her no longer existent father accelerated with a dangerous passion. Kate’s husband would wait at home for her while she would be out at bars laughing with strangers in hopes of deceiving her father as he decayed six feet deep. Daryl would stay up late with the children reading them to sleep after cooking their dinner. Kate’s husband patiently waited for his significant other to find herself and grieve accordingly.  Weeks turned into months as Daryl watched his wife go out at night without him unknowingly pushing him farther away. Was it that Kate didn’t know the strain she was placing on her relationship, or was it that she didn’t care?

       One October evening Daryl walked in on Kate masturbating in their bedroom. Although the act alone didn’t bother her husband, he was still agitated by what he had witnessed.

       “Really? You weren’t even going to invite me in?” Daryl’s arms were folded as he awaited an explanation. Kate jumped in shock and pulled the covers over herself. Her pouty pink lips hung open without a word to be spoke. This wasn’t a problem for Daryl as he had quite a bit to express.

       “Two months Kate. You haven’t touched me in two months. It was tolerable knowing you have all these things you’re going through. I completely understood the lack of sexual desire. I came to terms with that. But this? With the single play. I’m not sure I’m okay with this. If you’re having sexual needs again, shouldn’t I be the one helping you take care of that?” Kate sat up on her knees and tried explaining her side of things only leading to arguments and loneliness. Kate slept on the couch that night unable to talk to her other half in a civil matter. Under the sheets her cell phone slid out accordingly. Browsing through several websites on the prowl. Kate became desperate for positive attention from another man. More importantly from a forbidden ethnicity of men. Before she knew it, Kate was browsing at a black man’s profile and messaging with him for hours. Her kind nature was shining through with this man. Kate began to tell him a few things about her life and her secrets. Photos were exchanged and laughs were shared. The fact that she hadn’t been with a black man before excited him and she took advantage of that. Kate played this man like a fiddle. Conversations began to go on for weeks and were hidden from her husband as it wasn’t something Kate wanted to admit. Soon one wasn’t enough. Kate found herself communicating to many black men romantically. Just as her father had forbidden her to do many years ago. For all these years, she had avoided them for the soul purpose of pleasing her father. However dead or alive, Kate was ready to show that abusive old fucker that his thoughts of her no longer impacted her life. After months of therapy and weaning herself off the whole idea of other men in her life, Kate began to make progress. Summer mornings were spent at the park with her children while evenings were strictly reserved for family time at the dinner table and on the sofa with family movies. Everything seemed to be falling into place again. Until Kate realized the importance of deleting old texts from her phone.

       Daryl stormed into the bathroom holding Kate’s phone while she was in the shower. Demanding an explanation for what he read on her mobile device. Several conversations between Kate and random men left Daryl severely perturbed. Hours went by as Kate tried to explain herself but, how could she? Quarrels continued for weeks regarding the madder at hand. Month after month the tears and rage seemed to die down as their passion for one another made itself back to the relationship. Even after everything had settled down, one thing remained the same. Their combined hatred for Charles and the scars he left on his only daughter. The thought of him began to sicken Daryl and he was always one to let his opinion to be heard. Recovering from such a deception in their relationship transformed to a stronger one with all the passion that came with it. Sometimes you must feel how bad things can get before you can see how hard you’ll work to make it right again. There were blow jobs with pop rocks given and rough sex with paddles experienced. There was sex on the floor, blow jobs in the car, quickies before work, and long desirous sessions after nights of drinking. While experimenting on the mattress one evening, Daryl’s hand slid up Kate’s outer thigh as she lied on her bed in missionary waiting for the pain that never happened. It was then that her soft hand grabbed his as she placed it around her throat while looking into his eyes and whispered….

       “Squeeze.” His eyes lit up with excitement and fear of choking a woman for the first time. Kate’s wish had always been Daryl’s command so he gave her a little a squeeze and watched as her womanhood coated the room with her squirting juices. Watching the excitement on her face forced his manhood into a hardened vein state before he flipped her over and shoved that beautiful dirty blonde covered head into the pillow. Daryl’s strong hands pulled her hips firmly into his, forcing her to feel his growth deeply inside her from behind. Soon biting, scratching, hair pulling, and more was thrown into the equation. Night after night. As good as the pain felt, Kate began to wonder if it was something worth bringing up to her therapist. Why did sex only feel good when pain was involved? Continuing with therapy was difficult when the professional behind the desk didn’t experience what Kate was going through and therefore couldn’t relate. Instead of talking about everything wrong in the present, Sarah always seemed to bring up difficult situations from Kate’s past. As things were finally settling at home, they were just getting heated up at the therapist’s office.

       “Why don’t you tell me what made your father so scary Kate.” Sarah leaned back in her black leather officer chair and twirled gently from side to side. Kate rolled her eyes and exhaled loudly.

       “It’s not something that can be told. It’s a feeling.  Whatever that man told me to do, I did. Many things that I am ashamed of to this day. Some things that have caused me to lose friendships and relationships with some family. You know what fear is, and you know what a child that has fears is. Why with the questions?” Kate felt her anger grow as she glared at Sarah in that small formal room. Sarah smiled and stopped twirling.

       “We’ve gone over this Kate, I know it hurts to talk about the issues from your past but they’re not going anywhere. Not until you open up about what happened to you. When you become comfortable talking with me about these things, you may finally be able to discuss them with people around you in your life. One day receiving the understanding from your peers of why you are the way that you are and an emotional person is just who you are. Helping others that are close to you recognize the reasoning for this emotional personality could help them understand you much better. Not to mention this could take the edge off your constant fears in general and make life a little easier. Could you imagine that for me for a moment? No more secrets. Instead of constantly holding back, completely opening up.” Sarah held her gaze at Kate’s eyes wondering if her speech was sinking in. Kate’s eyes filled with tears as she hung on to her therapist’s every word. Sarah continued, “So go on then Kate, tell me another secret.”. Kate lowered her head in shame of this particular memory. Refusing to look Amy in the eye her story began.

       “I was twelve and visiting dad’s house for the weekend again. This time my cousin Amy was coming over. Before the drama with her black boyfriend of course. I went around the trailer cleaning up extra strictly out of excitement. I missed her. Anyway, the moment finally happened and she was ringing our doorbell. I was the first to hug her when she walked through that door. Her mother seemed a little apprehensive about leaving her daughter for the weekend but she was twelve and wanting independence. I knew exactly how she felt. We weren’t only cousins we were best friends. We were inseparable.  My stepmother hugged her as did her children. My father and brother were happy to see her as well. After a long dinner of catching up it was girl time which consisted of braiding hair and watching movies that she brought over considering my father’s selection was scares. As the evening turned quickly into night we laid on our tummies feeling the sedation from the turkey kick in while the movie came to an end. In the distance, there was yelling down the hall. Amy seemed to tune it out but I couldn’t. I could hear my father’s voice at the end of the hallway and I began to panic. Turning to Amy with a puzzled face I asked what she thought the adults were fighting about. Amy shrugged. This answer wasn’t good enough for me. I sat up straight as my thoughts began to race. Did he know that I knew about the dog? Did I leave a dish in the sink? She insisted I was over thinking the situation and that I couldn’t have possibly done anything wrong as I was with her all evening watching movies and doing hair. Amy made it clear that whatever the problem was it was indeed something marital between my father and stepmother. Nothing else. Suddenly the marital argument made its way out into the living room by us. Amy and I both stood up tall as my father yelled and tore into random bags and boxes screaming the same questions. Where is it? Where are they, Bitch? Bertha didn’t seem to know the answer to these questions and it infuriated him. My father wanted to know where his truck keys were. He insisted that Bertha knew and that she was hiding them for some reason. After becoming violent with her and the living room furniture, all the children including myself began helping him search for the keys. I ran down the hall into my brother’s room and began there. I know it was betraying my stepmother but anytime I did what my father asked, he would become pleased with me and hug me.” Kate slowly moved her eyes up to her therapist’s emotionless face. “…And that meant the world to me. After a while of his shouting and our searching attempts I found myself on the losing end of a violent battle. I remember sitting down on the floor ready to give up. That’s when Amy walked in. She closed the door behind her. I looked up at her with confusion as she told me there was something I needed to see. Out of her front pocket she pulled my father’s key to his truck. My eyes lit up like it was Christmas. Apparently, it was given to her by Bertha to keep safe and away from my father. He had been drinking and Bertha was concerned what would happen to him if he drove off in that condition. I made it clear to Amy that I was concerned what would happen to all of us if he didn’t ever find that key. She agreed and looked at me asking what we should do. I reached my hand out and she placed it in my palm. I nodded in a grateful manor and ran the prize out to my belligerent father. The look on his face was completely worth it. I think maybe he was in shock because he didn’t move. After his jaw hung open for a while, his body leaned into mine for a tight hug while the key was passed over. He kept telling me I did the right thing and kissing my forehead. Just as I thought everything was done now and we were completely free of the craziness for one night, his strong bicep lifted William in one arm and I was yanked like a rag doll with his free hand. Outside we went against our will and into that little truck. Amy called out to him that it was her hiding the key, and not to take me away. So, he locked my brother and I in the truck and went back on the porch for her as well. His truck swerved around the road into the fog that night. It was cold and quiet. Except for our cries of course.” Kate couldn’t contain the tears anymore and let it all out for that therapist to see. “I guess when you do right you still do wrong.”.

       Kate went home exhausted after that and kissed her children goodnight. The bathtub filled with fluffy white suds and Kate watched the faucet as her mind raced about her current need for pain. Why did it pleasure her so? Had it become a necessity? She shivered and dipped one toe into the bathwater. The cool water was refreshing and would help with the stinging pain that was to come. After Kate’s body was fully emerged into the tub, her fingertips gripped a pretty pink razor and began shaving her legs. Each time the razor reached her upper thigh, Kate would slice it into her flesh slow and deep. A moan would escape her moist lips each time she dug that blade deep inside her leg. Once the adrenaline was gone and her mind felt satisfied, the razor fell out of her grip. Kate rested her neck on the edge of the tub and closed her eyes with a smile. The cool water felt so good on the cuts which happened to be placed in a discrete location. Sooner came before later and Kate’s mind was off into the past yet again. Remembering things that she wished she didn’t have to. Feeling lucky that this wasn’t a flashback didn’t keep her from feeling guilty for spending her free time thinking about this crap AGAIN.

       Kate’s mind wondered to back when she was twelve living full time with her mother and visiting her father on weekends. Her bedroom was like a palace with a queen-sized bed, matching dressers, and two walk in closets. Being there meant the world to her. Unfortunately, her relationship with her mother became rocky when the man dating her had tried dating Kate first. Whenever he came over to visit Teresa, Kate would hide away in her palace and watch some of her favorite shows. Eventually Teresa’s boyfriend started coming over more often and getting drunk regularly. Kate noticed the behavior immediately as it reminded her of her father. Some of the fights between her mom and this man were worse than the ones at her father’s trailer. There would be nights when Kate would wake up to the sound of her own mother screaming for her life, begging for her mommy, and asking God why. Yet she continued to date him. There were days that her blood would be splattered across picture frames in the living room and the bandages on her face left little to the imagination. Some nights consisted of late parties with strange men that asked Kate to dance for them as they played reggae music and taught her how to roll joints. Soon the tension between Kate and her mother’s boyfriend became so tense and full of history that Teresa became curious of their past. To teach Kate a lesson in dominating a situation, Teresa would perform sexual acts on her boyfriend while Kate was in the room. Teresa did this to make it clear that whatever happened between her daughter and her boyfriend in the past was done now. Kate missed the way her mother used to be. If the old Teresa were around for just one day she would understand that Kate had no interest in her mother’s boyfriend and that it was him initiating unwanted interactions regularly with Kate. Everyone in the house began fighting about things going missing after he moved in. When yelling matches involved money, Teresa became infuriated and violent. The slap across Kate’s face in front of William was the last straw. Kate asked social services to place her in her father’s custody. It wasn’t much later after that when William asked for the same thing

       Kate opened her eyes in the tub and noticed the water turned a light shade of red. She pulled the plug and watched the water go down. The tub emptied out but Kate’s shivering naked body sat there, staring at the blood-stained drain. After a few blinks of her tired eyes, Kate stood up and looked in the mirror. Her curvy thighs were trickling blood down to her knees. She watched her bleeding reflection and smiled.

       “How do you like that daddy? Red enough for you yet?” a question to be left unanswered for a man who could no longer hurt her. Kate angrily snatched up a towel and began cleaning the bathroom mess that she created. Bandaged up and ready for bed, Kate snuggled in next to her sleeping lover and fell fast asleep without anyone knowing her newest secret. Dreams came and went all night that evening. One of which was a familiar one, a recollection of the first few nights William came to stay permanently with their father. Kate was twelve and warm in her bottom bunk. The pitter patter of his little feet came into her room. He was holding a Woody doll and told Kate he missed her. Kate sat up in her bed and smiled. William crawled up into her bed and fell asleep by his older sister. It was clear that he had been through quite a big ordeal himself as he clung onto her for support.

       Kate awoke the next morning sitting at her kitchen table stirring her coffee. Her children were off to school and she had the day to herself. Her husband came home from work early asking what was wrong. Confused, Kate looked up at him and shrugged. Daryl stared at down at her mug,

       “You’ve been stirring that coffee the whole time I’ve been here.” He teased. Kate laughed and nodded.

       “Yeah I guess I’m just a little tired.” Looking back down at her cup, Kate removed the spoon and took a sip. Daryl placed his hoodie beside her,

       “You got a full seven hours though.” Daryl was always jealous of the amount of that everyone else in the house got. As he worked nights, he lost out on sleep. Kate rolled her eyes at the conversation that they had so many times before.

       “My dreams didn’t exactly make it feel like a full seven hours though. I’m going to head out to the lake and fish.” Kate kissed Daryl’s cheek before grabbing her tackle box and heading out. After making it to her favorite spot, Kate pulled out her pole and casted. Simply sitting there on that log watching the sun sparkle off the water made everything okay again. For a little while anyway. She watched as the waves rippled through the body of water so beautifully. It was calm and peaceful. Thoughts of her dreams last night came into focus. As did the biggest secret she’d been concealing. Just then a large force pulled her pole down into the water. With a quick reflex, Kate yanked at her pole and reeled in the largest bass she’d caught this season. It was a powerful fighter, kind of like her siblings. William currently was far away from his troubled past, he had been living in Paris with his beautiful wife and Kate was so proud of how well he was doing. Her step siblings were residing in California which wasn’t exactly across the globe however it was a reasonable distance from where they were raised on the east coast. Underneath it all though, Kate knew just how hard it was for them to carry on happily in life. Nevertheless, all three of those young adults were carrying on enjoyable and successful lives. All the beatings that Kate failed to protect them from, and all the times they were starved or force fed inedible food clearly didn’t have an impact on how they turned out. It didn’t stop her from continually holding onto that guilt. Kate wanted to protect them in ways that only a true super hero could’ve done, and as she watched that large fish surfaced so did a rush of memories. Kate recalled seeing all three of those little kids back in that old trailer inappropriately play with their dolls and each other. Similar to the scenarios Kate would act out with her Barbie dolls years before. The ugly truth became clear to Kate back when she hit thirteen that something not right was going on around those children. Fear of the repercussions that came from living with an unpredictable alcoholic forced Kate to keep such a serious problem a secret after observing each child act out adult scenarios. This was why Kate loved them all in every other way that she could. This was why Kate watched over them as much as she could. However, this was why Kate knew they were fighters. All of them. Just as she was.

       Kate held up that bass and smiled as the wind blew her long, soft, blonde hair behind her. With warmth in her heart, Kate kissed that bass goodbye and gently led him back into the body of water where he belonged. Gathering her fishing supplies, Kate made it back to her home in hopes of having the bravery it took to finally fill her husband in on some of her secrets.




                                                                 CHAPTER FOUR:

    Another dreadful morning in that therapist's office awaited Kate today. The days were all beginning to blend together anymore. Every morning consisted of readying her children for school and rushing to get them there on time. Afternoons were filled with petty quarrels between Daryl and Kate. On occasion, somewhere between their pointless bickering matches there would be carnal relations to fill the dead air. Housework was always to be done and everyone grew tired of taking turns with seemingly pointless choirs. By the time evening approached the children were disputing their rights to how much of their homework would be done. Then came dinner, always to be cooked by Kate. This was followed by baths, bedtime, and the struggle that came with convincing two very opinionated boys that sleeping was a necessity. Though Kate knew her family was grateful for everything she did, the constant routine became tiresome. In return this caused Kate some irritability and restless nights.
    As all of this was discussed with Kate's therapist, the option of medication was placed on the table. Something for sleep and possibly mood stability. It was clear that Kate's daring behavior and self-infliction was a branch from her Bipolar tree. Soon after that, Kate was placed on many medications forcing her racing mind to be tamed. As wonderful as an accomplishment as this was, racing thoughts weren't the stem of Kate's problems.
    "Welcome Kate, have a seat." Sarah politely held the door open for her patient. Without wasting any time Kate sat down and blurted out,
    "I don't want to be here." Sarah looked at her computer screen and frowned. As her eyes made their way back over to Kate as she began to comfort her,
    "But you're doing so good.". Kate looked down at her shoes and laughed sarcastically with frustration in her tone.
    "Yes, but as I said before, we haven't even began chipping away at the iceberg of the problem." Sarah glanced up at Kate knowing that something heavy was coming. The tension in the air thickened and Kate continued,
    "It's time to start chipping." Sarah nodded and lowered her voice,
    "As I've previously mentioned, when you're ready I'm here for you." Kate frowned.
    "I'm not a good person.  For years, my siblings showed signs of sexual assault and instead of telling someone I was a coward. If anything, when they felt lonely and abandoned I fed into their needs." Kate slowly looked up from her lap as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I would recall being their age and feeling unwanted by my own parents. The only hugs I got were the ones used in my mother and father's display of trying to prove who was the superior parent. So, I knew exactly how those kids were feeling." Kate's voice began to raise. "I knew because I felt it to. My own step sister was nine when she told me getting spanked for bad behavior was fine with her as long as it meant getting daddy's attention." Kate closed her eyes and took a deep breath in before exhaling a whisper of hard truth, "I became someone those kids could come to. If they needed to be hugged, I hugged them. If they needed to talk, we talked. If they wanted to cuddle with me at night because it helped them sleep, then I would hold them tight." Kate opened her eyes as she noticed there wasn't a judgmental word spoken, and she smiled "Because as much as they needed me, I needed them.". The lean blonde professional adjusted in her seat locking eyes with Kate without a single facial expression made. Not an eyebrow raised, not a frown of the mouth, her eyes blinked once with kindness.
    "You grew up without love from the people who were supposed to be giving it to you Kate. Your parents. Their one job was show you affection and be there for you. I'm hearing that you didn't get that from them. So when your siblings needed love you gave it to them, and in return you received it. Did you ever intend for anyone to get hurt?" Kate's lips pursed as leftover tears trickled to the corner of her pink mouth. With narrowing eyes and a shake of the head, Kate narled    
    "Of course not." Sarah's lips extended into a friendly smile. She slid her fancy office chair an inch closer to Kate and whispered,
    "I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did. You didn't hurt those kids. You protected them, and you loved them.". Kate slowly lowered her glassy gaze to the floor. It was now that she realized her therapist could never understand the guilt felt if she only saw the positives in such a disturbing situation. Walking out of that office numb inside and out, Kate couldn't feel anything.  It wasn't just her vision that was blurred, everything she thought and heard was hazy. Somehow Kate made it home safely and prepared dinner for her family, reflecting on today's session. As everyone sat down to eat, the conversations happening all around her seemed to be nothing more than background chatter. Perhaps it was the new medication she was on, but for some reason Kate couldn't bring herself to the conversation. The conversation seemed to grow more heated before Daryl belted out a disciplining growl to their oldest child. This sent a familiar jolt up Kate's spine causing her to scream as she slammed her palms on the table.
    "We can never just have a calm dinner!" Kate slowly stood up noticing everyone's startled expressions. She then excused herself and headed to her bedroom. There she slowly sat down in her rocking chair facing the window. Kate rocked and watched the birds make patterns in the sky. This seemed to be a familiar site to her as her mind traveled through time to another unfortunate flashback. Suddenly Kate was back at the birthday party of her little stepsister. Children happily frolicked around the yard surrounding her father's little trailer. Sadly Kate was not with those children. She was inside watching them through her bedroom window as her long blonde hair was pressed up against the bunk bed, and her throat was trapped in her father's grip. The twelve year old watched the birthday girl run around the campfire as music blasted at volumes that shook the trailer. Kate's father loosened his grip and yelled into his daughter's ear,
    "Don't ever talk to me that way again." He left the room with a sense of purpose not caring that Kate had to catch her breath as she slid down to the floor. Looking up through that same window, Kate's moist eyes blinked slowly as she watched the birds fly around so freely. Moping in her bedroom wasn't allowed on her step sister's big day. Kate wiped her tears and forced herself outside where everyone was laughing and eating ice cream. As family and friends made their way to the other side of the trailer, Kate sat by the fire and browsed around the patio at all the new gifts Molly had just opened. Without hesitance, Kate angrly sntached a new barbie doll and through it into the flames. Her narrowing eyes watched the cheap plastic toy quickly melt down into nothing and smiled with a feeling of gratitude.  Naturally, this event didn't go unnoticed and Kate found herself answering to her stepmother this time. Bertha was clever and large with power. A trait that Kate's father lacked. When that drunk old man was angry he lashed out and was quick to abuse anyone in his way. This was not the case with Bertha, instead she waited until the party was over. It was then that she pulled both Kate and Molly into the girls shared bedroom. First, Bertha made Kate tell Molly herself what she just did. Next, it was Molly's turn. After Molly finished crying, she was to choose a toy or belonging of Kate's to discard in the firepit. Molly didn't seem interested in playing along at first. But Bertha was big and intimidating. Molly was directed to hurry as the fire was slowly dying, and so she did. The little girl turned to Kate's shelf, and slowly pulled down something worth hundreds of dollars in cash but even more in nostalgia. Molly seemed emotionless as she held Kate's favorite pristine porcelain doll. It was a treasure given to Kate from her grandmother many years ago as a feel better gift. Something Kate received to help her smile again after watching her mother get beat profusely by one of her many boyfriends.  It was a doll that Kate cherished, and always looked to when she needed a smile. The more Kate screamed in horror and pleaded for her doll back, the more Bertha fed off the power. Molly watched her step sister beg before silently mouthing an apology in Kate's direction before tossing the fancy doll into the flame. Kate fell to her knees and watched her prized possession disintegrate into nothing. Long after everyone else was inside preparing for bed, Kate remained on the cold concrete until the fire died. Soon after her body was as diminished as the fire itself, Kate looked up once again at the sky. The birds were flying so freely amongst each other. She frowned at the sky and forced herself up on her feet. For she wasn't a bird, and she was far from free. Kate was a prisoner in her own life, mind and soul.
    Daryl waltzed into their bedroom and demanded Kate snap out of whatever memory lane she was trapped in. Sitting down beside her, he demanded to know why every night the same problems happen at the dinner table. Kate shrugged with a whisper,
    "It might sound ludicrous to you, but when I was child some messed up shit happened to me." Daryl nodded in agreement as he had heard some of the horror stories before. Kindly enough he let Kate continue. "I remember my father threatening to end my life just moments before dinner. Other times he would simply glare at me from across the table before even telling me what I had done wrong. Sometimes he would discipline my siblings right there in front of me during dinner. No matter what was going on I had to sit there and quietly eat my food. Any sign of tears or rage meant no dinner for the night. We were sent to bed hungry if anyone complained during mealtimes. Just about every night I would sit in silence fighting back tears as he screamed, glared, or choked the younger children. All I could taste was tears and snot trickling down the back of my throat when I ate dinner." Kate slowly stood from her rocking chair and took a step towards the door leaving Daryl behind still seated in shock. She reached for the door knob before turning her head to the side with the courage to leave her spouse with one last statement. "Please don't let dinner turn into a battle ground in this home. It's not what I want for our children." Daryl's head slowly fell down as he took a while to absorb what Kate said and she left the bedroom with hope. Hopeful that things might be different from now on, Kate set out to end her father's vicious cycle one baby step at a time.
    A few days later things at home seemed to be going generally well, so Kate decided to go visit her mother. This was an exhausting task as conversations weren't Teresa's strong point. Kate pulled up to the large, inviting, and rather radiant building that held hundreds of residents.  Approaching the front door with yellow daffodils, Kate could hear background chatter coming from within the building. A smile crept across her face and she made her way inside. The first stop was a nurses station where a young, curvy brunette met Kate with a warm and friendly hello. After a couple minutes of small talk, The nice woman led Kate to Teresa's private room where there was a twin size bed, dresser, nightstand, and private bathroom. The window was very small as a safety precaution, but leaned up against it was a slightly unkempt woman just over five-foot with brown hair. Her bathrobe and slippers showed her lack of interest in daily routines. The nurse smiled as she cleared her throat to get the woman's attention, instead it startled her. Kate took a step in the room,
    "Hi mom." she announced with a cautious stance. Teresa turned around slowly and glared at her daughter through her knotted strands of hair. With a forced smile, Teresa motioned Kate in,
    "Oh hello.". There wasn't much more to be said between the ladies as they stared at each other. The nurse picked up on the awkward silence and excused herself from their presence. Teresa sat down slowly on her bed. Kate forced a smile upon her face and took another step towards her mother before handing her bouquet of flowers.
    "Here, these are for you. I know they're your favorite." Teresa took them and widened her eyes with a small amount of joy. She walked the flowers over to the nightstand and put them in an empty glass. Looking down at them she stood very still. Before Kate could begin making small talk, her mother angrily blurted out
    "I hate it here!". There was a moment of silence as Teresa picked up a pen and circled it through the air as if she was writing something. Kate watched her mother and nodded to prevent any arguing. This made Teresa feel safe enough to open up. "They're still watching me you know. The military. They send police cars to patrol this block, always keeping tabs on me. I see them out that window. They think I'm their fool!" Teresa began to shout. Kate sat next to her mom and patted her back. Filling her with a familiar sensation of all the times she helped her mother through an emotional breakdown after being beat by any of her numerous ex boyfriends.  However, Kate forced herself to snap back to the present moment. Her mother was finally talking and that didn't happen often these days. She looked at her mother's face with concern before her mother continued. "Mmhmm, I know! You tell them the jig is up! I am stuck on the inside. I can't spread the word. I need you to help." Teresa looked at the floor and shook her head in disbelief. Then the laughter began. Not the kind that most mothers and daughters share about reminiscing or poking fun at reality shows. In fact the laugh was not even a shared one. Teresa was laughing alone. Hysterically she laughed and stomped her feet. With her own hand covering her mouth Teresa continued to cackle and shake her head. Kate continued looking at her mother with a look of concern.
    "What's funny mom?" Teresa looked up with fear in her eyes at her daughter. Kate felt chills run up her spine as her mom answered the question.
    "Oh that's right you can't hear him. He's funny. Nothing bad of course. I wouldn't allow that, no way." Kate exhaled loudly with a familiar feeling of failure. It was as if she wasn't getting anywhere as her mother continued on about the cats that dangle from the ceiling at night. Kate stood up as she noticed the nurse, and began to walk towards the door. Before leaving, Kate turned to her mother
    "I love you mom. Don't forget to put water in those flowers." Teresa smiled at her daughter and waved goodbye. As Kate and nurse made their way down the hall, Teresa began shouting from her doorway.
    "The cats are loaded! Don't trust them. They've been chipped! Don't trust them!" Kate turned around and smiled before shouting back,
    "Okay mom. It's okay." Kate continued walking away with a numbness inside of her. It was hard to feel sad for someone who was clearly not her mother anymore. After being told by many medical professionals that she may never be the same again, Kate decided to let this new Teresa blossom into whoever she was going to be. For the old Teresa was officially gone for good.